• Diocese - a Welsh bishop's jurisdiction
  • Pentecost - the price you pay for speaking in tongues when nobody else does
  • Christingle - the guilty feeling you get when you only go to church at Christmas
  • Doctrine - the need for hospital treatment after a theological disagreement
  • Archdeacon - the clergyman in charge of the roof fund
  • Aisle - a small strip of land surrounded by a sea of pews
  • Glebe - feeling smug that your church is set in nice grounds
  • Agnostic - a person who holds wishy-washy beliefs that really annoy you
  • Hymn - a song for which you have to hold the words
  • Chorus - a song that has no end
  • Verger - someone who almost leads people to their seats in a church
  • Offertory - a tithe designated for political purposes
  • Crypt - a place beneath a church where plagiarised sermons are secretly stored
  • Font - where baptism of a type is done
  • Vestry - a place where clerical underwear is kept. See also Pantry
  • Pantry - ditto above
  • Presbytery - where Elvis housed his pastor
  • Chaplain - a jolly nice freelance male vicar
  • Manse - where opponents to women priests live
  • Vicarage - the raised area of a pulpit over which a clergyman can secretly peer to gauge the size of his congregation
  • Chorister - a member of the worship team who prefers to watch soap operas
  • Lectern - a reading desk shaped like a seagull
  • Surplice - a loose white vestment worn over a cassock that nobody really needs
  • Synod - a council of clergymen who haven't quite understood their saintly status in God's eyes
  • Pulpit - an area at the front of a church where Christians can speed date
  • Mitre - head wear for indecisive bishops
  • Vespers - an outreach service to Mods
  • Censer - an ecclesiastical fire alarm
  • Stipend - an allowance made to clergyman for removing the speck in their own eye
  • Deacon - person responsible for rooting out charlatans in a church
  • Vestments - the buying of M & S shares with church monies
  • Clergy - a group of sick ministers
  • Heresy - holding the opinion that manufactured pop groups are biblical
  • Chapel - a church for men
  • Chancel - a part of the church where you might not get a good view
  • Dean - the noise made by Italian priests
  • Laity - a low strata in the church hierarchy
  • Faith - what you need to have your lisp healed
  • Plato - child's modelling clay invented by a philosopher
  • Apologetics - going to the moon and back to defend your faith
  • Cassock - the national dress of Kazakhstan
  • Evensong - a monotone piece of music. The opposite of 'Un-evensong'
  • Pew - the smell old church seats make
  • Flock - what many congregations don't do to church
  • Cell Church - to peddle the idea of small congregations
  • Rapture - a modern style of music which makes you wish the second coming would hasten
  • Nave - a place in old churches set aside for rogues
  • Evangelise - a compulsion to tell everyone about your new Ford Transit
  • The Great Commission - the treasurer's cut of the offering
  • Lent - when your bad habits are living on borrowed time
  • Advent - the 24 days you have before Christmas to moan about it
  • Tithe - the ten percent who turn out when you preach on giving
  • Minister -a vicar who causes small ripples
  • Apostle - singular of a posse
  • Wayside pulpit- a publicity mechanism for putting people off coming to church before they even need to set foot in it
  • Bishop - an urban church leader (shortened version of Bish Boshop)
  • Church plant- where churches are grown
  • Baptistry - where a church denomination was grown
  • House group - where Christians go to covertly play bingo
  • Disciple - to speak negatively about followers of Jesus
  • Alpha course - a food-enhanced exploration of the Christian faith
  • Fraternal - a ministers' forum for worrying
  • Free church - tithe included
  • Calvinist - someone who is predisposed to a certain theological viewpoint
  • Evolutionist - someone who is quite happy with the notion that their beliefs keep changing
  • Arminianism - someone who thinks that Calvinists choose to have wrong beliefs of their own free will
  • Creationist - someone who is finding it difficult to come to terms with why God made evolutionists
  • End times - midday max for a Sunday service
  • Vicarious - a stand-in preacher
  • Revelation - when the penny drops that your vicar doesn't know everything
  • Proselytise - evangelise to writers
  • Dogma - the doctrine that pets go to heaven
  • Epiphany - when we remember those who arrived just a day too late for Christmas
  • Full gospel - no room for the apocrypha
  • Jubilate - coffee for Christians
  • Dispensationalism - the passing away of short Christian jargon words
  • Benediction - a compulsion to keep ending church services
  • Doxology - to sing the praises of your GP
  • Spire - someone who is sussing out your church
  • Liturgy - to rubbish formalised prayers
  • Lay reader - the practice of squeezing in your daily Bible study just before you go to bed
  • PMT - the monthly stress of being on the prayer ministry team
  • Altar call - to change your mind about going to the front
  • Faith tea - corporate fast
  • Predestination - a.k.a. purgatory
  • Catechism - formalised instructions for getting rid of the church mouse
  • Hermeneutics - the art of interpreting the Munsters
  • Creed - what you believe about avarice
  • Congregation - church for crooks
  • Daniel Fast - Lion Bar
  • Sunday service - once a week check-up
  • Sermon - almost an anagram of snore
  • Tongues - paradoxically the oft unspoken gift
  • Canticle - a hymn or chant designed to make you laugh
  • Lectionary - the set reading for polling day
  • Incense - something that really gets up your nose
  • Plagiarism - trying to copy the miracles of Moses
  • Ekklesia - Monty Python fan club
  • Charismatic - someone who automatically raises their hands in worship
  • Quiet time -forty winks