Dear Mr Lloyd

‘Huggers’ (Christians who have a proclivity to seek every opportunity to embrace anything that moves) are to be found in almost every church, so moving to another place of worship will almost certainly not solve the problem.

Be warned! These affable engulfers of the human form have a particular penchant for homing in on those of a less tactile disposition. The slightest hint of unease or twitchiness on your part will immediately alert them to your proximity and thus your claustrophobic fate is inevitable. You may think that you can avoid their innocent clutches but you are very much mistaken. Soon enough all will fall victim to their emboldened ‘bodily bonhomie’.

But fear not, my antipodean congregant, all is not completely lost.

A firm handshake, being the top end of the scale of my preference for social contact, I have developed what I consider to be a foolproof means by which to stave off the threat of a ‘hugger’s’ bear-like grip.

Having had the good fortune to purchase a secondhand badge making kit at St Cliff’s recent ‘bring and buy’ sale (you will no doubt have guessed already that our ever-present Roof Fund was the grateful beneficiary) I hit upon producing a badge bearing the familiar (yet slightly foreboding) ‘radiation’ symbol beneath which I placed the words (in the rather authoritative Helvetica Bold typeface) ‘I love (but utilising the ubiquitous ‘heart’ symbol) Nuclear Power Stations’.

I have found that even the most ardent of huggers will shown undue restraint when faced with the possibility of imminent irradiation.

I trust that this has been of some help but failing that may I proffer a spot of time honoured wisdom. ‘If you can’t beat them join them.’

Onward and upward

Derek